Freewrite: Why

I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know how to forget.
Oh, I’m a decent enough actress. Sometimes I even convince myself I’m over it. I go about my days in a daze. My life is a maze, I navigate. I distract myself with ease.

But then it’s your anniversary and somehow I am transported back in time. I still smiled. Daddy still smiled You pretended to smile.

I try to block out the sounds of your sobs. I try to block out the yelling, the accusations.
I try to tell myself that’s not you lying there on the car seat. Those aren’t my pills and your pills. You’re not rigid and blue. You’re not finally at peace.

That hole you blew in my heart was just big enough for everyone you ever touched. Just big enough for denial and pointing fingers.

And I still will never know the reason why.

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